The feelings I expressed in part one were how I imagined to be for a long time, but realistically they only lasted about a month. Following my friends midnight phone call we arranged to get coffee together and talk over things. I mostly just wanted to apologise for lying to her. I also explained everything that had happened in that two week period as best I could. That was probably the last time I recalled these moments entirely and without crying. (After that I remember a lot of people remarking that I did well not to cry while telling them). Possibly the worst feeling I experienced about it all, which was at the forefront of my mind in this scene, was the failure.
Naturally in a relationship, you begin to plan into a further future. Seeing the plans dissolve is what made it so lonely ultimately. It almost felt like the substance had been taken away from life – I didn’t even have anything to moan about anymore. Most importantly I had to learn that the relationship was never everything. There are a lot more things in this world to fall in love with besides partners: I began to rekindle old loves with books, and coffee, and friends (oh boy do I love them with all my heart), and making myself up, and my job, and being outdoors, and music, and writing…
Because of this I discovered a whole new side to myself that loves to go out. I began filling my diary with lots of different things to do and thankfully my friends have put up with my crazy antics too! I’m not sure if I just see things differently now, or whether I’ve managed to bring some confidence out in them as equally as they have in me. Regardless, our relationships have strengthened and I honestly miss them so much any moment I’m not with them!
For some reason my energy levels have absolutely begun to soar. I tend to got out a lot more on weekends and although my sleep has been effected, I’m very happily feeling like I’m using my time well. To be honest, the energy level was a little difficult to comprehend at first and the only word I could think to describe how it felt was ‘euphoric’. Sometimes I’d think my feet would never touch the ground again. My surroundings would feel a little cloudy and dreamlike, sometimes being difficult to grasp entirely. It was as though my body had gone into the polar opposite of sadness and I had entered a kind of ‘mania’. I hadn’t expected it.
As I was now learning to do things for myself again, I do wonder whether the adrenaline came from underlying panic attacks (you know the kind where it feels like you could blow up, but actually it just sits around your chest?). At first I felt slightly out of place wandering around on my own. It’s funny how your mind tricks itself into thinking everyone can read it. For some reason it was really important for me to look like I had a purpose being out, when it really wouldn’t matter. Maybe I didn’t want to feel lost. Now I’m quite happy to say I can doss around and people watch in coffee shops all on my own without giving it much thought!
Of course I still had moments where I wasn’t as positive. My intention through revealing all of this is to depict a truthful look into the various emotions, so it wouldn’t be right to say everything is simply going to be alright. Sometimes alright is all it can be and other days it’s a whirlwind.
While I have found a new love for meeting people, I’ve not necessarily experienced any strong attractions. Not that I would like to rush anything, but it often crosses my mind that I am so very disinterested in relationships that maybe it’s just not going to happen again. At least for a while. A part of me always hopes it will. I’m a bit of a sucker for a love story. If I listen to my body I’m sure it’s going to guide me correctly and it will once again strike me when I’m not anticipating anything. Part of me is also grateful, because I’m having so much fun being single that I don’t want anything to taint it just yet.
Even with the new found confidence, the idea of a set date terrifies me. I clam up when I think of forcefully trying to get to know someone. Which yes, I do find a little ridiculous, I don’t know why I overthink it. Maybe because I haven’t been on a date since so I don’t know how ‘new me’ is going to handle it or whether I’m likeable or whether my craziness is enough to scare them off… Whether they’ll actually stick around to see who’s in front of them. Who do I want in front of me?
Any time I miss a relationship, I realise I miss the part where you’re comfortable, not the initial bit. I think that’s because I struggle to do anything half-heartedly.
My feet touched the ground again when last year ended. At our New Year celebration, I hugged my friends tightly and thanked them deeply for getting me through all the difficult stuff. Time was now stretching before me and I knew I could do more for myself. That was what 2019 was going to be about…