Written 25/09/19

Feelings is a festering word that crawls over my skin whenever it falls from my mouth. In this world I fear I have been made to feel ashamed of them. On the one hand it can’t be helped that some things matter so deeply to me, but on the other it’s so much easier to be numb. I’m far from someone who’s ashamed to be flawed, but that doesn’t mean I need to let flaws consume me. They’re only a part of me after all and the rest is too fabulous to keep in a shadow. I can’t be all paranoia, all self-conscious and all self-pity all of the time. Because not even I love those things about me. They are not a woman I want to be. To expect anyone else to love those parts of me is fairy tale. Some worrying recently, about how others feel towards me, I became just that. A ball of worry. This morning I had a revelation about it all. So I thought to myself, I worry about being unloveable without showing even myself what’s to love. Perhaps what I assume is others feelings towards me is a reflection of the feelings I have for myself. Because I tend to have an answer before I even ask the question.

~ Whenever I let things boil inside me I always wonder why I didn’t just write it out. It always helps. That’s who I am!

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