Hello blog, it’s been a long time…
It’s taken me a long time to write this piece, and blogging about anything else besides the truth felt dishonest. But the fact is talking about myself has become increasingly difficult the older I have become. Perhaps because I am also finding reality is becoming a little more difficult. While I know the feelings I have now won’t last forever, I am still waiting for the day to come when a penny drops and everything makes sense, which I know may never come. Satre’s old questioning ‘does the object emit life or does it reflect mine?’.
I had a few days recently to churn over thoughts in my mind. Although I have done this many times over the past year, I came to a different realisation on this occasion…
Before, I desperately ached for the past. I wanted to know why I didn’t feel the same way I used to: why I wasn’t as confident, motivated, or self-assured. I would replay so many good memories in my head and crave to have those moments in my hands again. Though I’ve never been blind enough to believe our care-free youth would last forever, I guess I hadn’t expected some things to end quite so soon either. My friends and I are more and more independent, growing individual lives. Our love for each other has changed. The display of affection is less apparent. Shorter messages and further in between. Ruthless planning for dates we are all free. Yet the love is probably stronger than it’s ever been. Our love is standing a test of time now. And passing with flying colours.
I genuinely could not be prouder of my circle of friends. Over and over they prove to just be the greatest people ever to exist. I still question what I could possibly have done to be blessed with knowing them.
Though it seems obvious now, at once I was hit with the epiphany that I have also changed. But instead of embracing change and beginning to get to know this newer version of myself, I continued to cling to that desperate aching for the past. In every step I took to feel more myself I was asking ‘what would the old me have done?’. And surprise, surprise – nothing was working to pull me from the funk I’ve been in for longer than I would care to admit. For ages I couldn’t understand why reliving the past didn’t make me feel comforted.
In a harsh conversation with myself I had to admit that I am no longer the person I used to be, and the only way I am going to find peace is by getting to know who I am now, instead of neglecting them. To let the past me sleep without my constant comparisons. Accepting that my lifestyle has changed, my body has changed, my dreams have changed. That I don’t have to wait to be perfect before I deserve to be loved. It’s funny that I always used to feel like the person who everyone came to for advice and it has been so hard to give the same treatment to myself. If my friend expressed these same feelings I would wrap them in my arms and tell them how natural it is to feel scared. How no matter what I will always love them and be there. Maybe that’s where I have gone so wrong; I forgot to be a friend to myself. Being a friend requires an endless amount of forgiveness.
When I recently visited my hometown one of my friends hugged me close and said ‘I just don’t want to let go’. But naturally we must. Otherwise we would have been stood under streetlights through the nights for eternity. At the moment, each time I start to feel terrified of the future I recite a quote from Georgia O’Keeffe in my head:
‘I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.’
In the name of moving on I have finally come round to refreshing my blog. A lot of the blog posts I once wrote have now disappeared – I had been planning to make this change for a while – because they no longer fit into my writing style. The function of this blog moving forward will be to share more fictional pieces. Starting with a few poems I’m naming collectively ‘Remnants of a Daydream’. I think these poems encompass a lot of the rare moments of clarity I’ve experienced through 2021. It’s been a pleasure to hide away and write privately for a while, but I miss being available to share work too. So I hope you enjoy.
I don’t know when I will next make a post, but until then, I hope everyone stays peaceful and loving. Sending my best thoughts to each and every one of you.