If you’re not writing, I don’t know who you are, Bruce said.
Which was funny because, without writing, I don’t know who I am either.
I missed my blog in that moment. Having a space to share, practise and entertain a side of myself that is incredibly important and integral to my life. Being a writer has been a foundation for a lot of my self-confidence; it has given me the self-assurance of knowing who I am, even when I know nothing else. Writing is one of only two circumstances where I feel completely myself.
I confirmed to Bruce, of course I am still writing, which is true always. But, I started to miss my blog anyway, knowing I had no evidence of my love to share. The way you might question your love for a favourite dress you haven’t picked out to wear in a long time.
The second of the two circumstances is when I am with the people I love. Both give me the same sense of home and belonging; two feelings I know I’m blessed to have. Two affections I am never disheartened by, even knowing I could do better by them both. I am always happy when someone is kind enough to remember my writing and ask how it is going. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who have unwavering support for me and my creative pursuits, even as their text messages go unanswered for weeks while I am busy working.
I am shifting the narrative slowly. This year I finally got the sensible voice in my head. When I was in my earlier twenties I thought it would never come, and I would never know when to call it a night, or how to open up on bad days, or how to do nothing without feeling guilty. Now I find myself thinking I’ll just sit for a while, enjoy a warm drink and some quiet. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on what’s important. Winter, with all it’s dark evenings, is a good reminder to slow down and make light of dim situations; be with people you love; decorate your home with pretty and useless things and reminisce over another year. Naturally, my feelings for writing and my loved ones resurfaced. I wonder why do the things I love the most fall so low on my priorities?
Life is starting to feel like a long process of learning more and knowing less. With this thought at the front of my mind, I’m becoming more grounded in the present. Taking things one moment at a time. That sensible voice sees the good in the mundane and says, tidy up because it is a nice thing to do for yourself; eat well because is a nice thing to do for yourself; take time for the things you love because it is a nice thing to do for yourself. I find myself more motivated to embrace the moment and to invest my time wisely. So, I am writing on my blog again, because it is something nice for me.
It is all of me.